Continuation...

So I've had time to think since my last blog. Here's what I've come up with:

I didn't really need to think about it at all. I've known these things all along. I've read my journal. I've prayed and read the scriptures. After doing all of this, I've come to a firm conviction. Yes, I would still be bold in saying that I know this is the true church even if I was being tortured, even if everything I have and everyone I love was taken from me.

I know that what I've been taught is true. Yes, there have been times when I've wavered and doubted, but those doubts have been quickly washed away when I've prayed and remembered that it has been confirmed to me many times that I know my Savior lives. I know that He was born to a virgin and that He performed many miracles.I know that He suffered for the sins of all of us in the garden of Gethsemane. I know that He was resurrected and appeared to Mary, the apostles and also to the people in the early Americas. I know that God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to a fourteen year old boy named Joseph Smith to tell him that he was to restore the true church of Christ to the earth. I know that President Thomas S. Monson speaks directly to God.

I know that Heavenly Father hears my prayers. I know that when I obey Him, I am blessed with happiness and peace. I know that Christ is always with me. I know that He has already walked the path of my life. He knows what I'm feeling every second. I know that He loves me. I know that I can't comprehend how much He loves me. I know that He has saved me. He has made it possible for me to be with my Heavenly Father and those I love forever. I know that I can never repay Him.

I can say these things and stand up to the ridicule and slander that would be thrown at me because I know that they are true. I know that being ridiculed is only a small moment.

I know these things of myself. This knowledge isn't borrowed from my parents. This knowledge has been given to me from my Father in Heaven. I don't live my life this way because it's "comfortable". I live this way because I know this is what my Heavenly Father wants me to do.

I know these things, I don't just believe them. I would defend this knowledge with my life.

Oh, and I know that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri (hey it had to have been somewhere).

Awards of Tony

Last night I decided to watch the Tony awards. I’ve never seen one before and I was curious. Plus I like NPH. He’s funny. I kind of feel bad for thinking he’s funny, since it’s dirty most the time. Nonetheless…

I liked seeing all the performances. It was very entertaining. One of my favorites, was War Horse! That was amazing. It's a musical that uses a horse puppet. Puppet is putting it lightly. It's more like a feat of engineering!! Look it up! Worth your time. That's one I'd really like to see.

I found myself wishing that I had the talent to be on a Broadway stage dancing and singing. That just seems like it would be a great job. A lot of work, but work that is fulfilling and rewarding. Hmmm, how would that be?....

The musical, The Book of Mormon won nine whole awards! I was appalled when I heard that the producers of South Park (a show I’ve never seen and have no desire to see) made a musical making fun of something that is very dear and sacred to me. I was curious, so I read the plot. It’s about a missionary who serves in Africa and is confronted by an evil village war lord. I went on to read some reviews. It seems that it is a comedy and a vulgar one at that. It wasn't negative, just lots of vularity, which is why I won't ever be seeing the show.

So I was nervous when they performed a song from the musical at the Tony awards. This missionary sings about how he was excited to go on his mission but his faith was shaken because of the bad things that were happening to the village. He starts singing about the things he believes in and his faith is restored. It was funny and the missionary was spot on, right down to the part in his hair. He was bright eyed and cheerful and walked right up to the war lord and sang to him that he should get baptized, as the war lord stared at the missionary like he was crazy. In the song, it described the things that we as Mormons believe. As the beliefs were being listed, the audience was laughing. I found myself amused as well, not in a “I’m mocking my religion” sort of way, but in a "laughing at myself” sort of way. The things we believe are peculiar. For example, believing that the Garden of Eden was in Jackson County, Missouri. To someone who isn’t a member of this church, that would sound weird. Think about that; the Garden of Eden in Missouri? Weird, right? And yet, that is something I believe to be true. Just like I believe that Christ came to this earth to die for me. I believe that God the Father and Jesus Christ appeared to Joseph Smith in a grove of trees to tell him that he would be the one to bring the true gospel back to the earth. I believe that God speaks directly to President Thomas S. Monson so that we may know His will for us (by the way, the actor was singing about all of these things and the audience was laughing, a LOT). In the song he kept saying, “because a Mormon just believes”, as if we haven’t taken the time to find out for ourselves to know that these things are true, not JUST believe them.

I found myself thinking, yes these things seem odd and peculiar. Do I really know these things, or do I just believe them? I spent the rest of the evening in quiet introspection. What do I know to be true? Is what I have believed my entire life true? Would I be able to stand up to ridicule and slander? Would I be able to defend it? Would I be bold enough to proclaim that this is the one and only true church on the earth? And withstand the persecution that would follow? Would I still be bold if I was being tortured? Would I defend it with my life?

To Be Continued….

New Hat

I got my baby a new hat.
Isn't he so handsome?

I really don't know how to write down what I'm feeling right now. I know it might sound like I'm whining, maybe I am, but I'm not handling this particular trial with any kind of grace. I don't like this trial. I really wish instead of Heavenly Father making it easier for me to bear, He would just take it away. I know it's for my own good and I will be thankful for it someday, but right now I feel like I've had enough. It's probably a good thing that I'm not the one in charge. Somedays, it is easy to bear. Somedays, I hardly even think about it. Hardly. Which means I do still but only for a few moments. Other days, I want to cry all day long. It feels like I've lost something so dear to me. Something I never had. It's deep emotional pain. I feel useless and empty.

I am doing all that our finances will allow, going to doctors, trying everything we can. I'm praying everyday. So it's not like I'm doing nothing and complaining about not getting what I most desire.

I hate that this pain comes in waves. It ebbs for a while. I feel like I can make it through anything. Then it returns with such a strong force that it catches me off guard. Then the questions come, as they always do. Why is this not happening for us, when it's something that's such a righteous desire? This is what I was put on the earth for, right? This is why I'm a woman. This is what has been commanded of us. So why is it so hard? Why do others have such an easy time at it? I know Heavenly Father has this all under control. I just get impatient and want to grab the big picture out of His hands and look at it for myself. I don't know what I would do then. Probably get even more impatient because I'll know what's coming.

I'm so happy, so very happy for friends who don't have this problem. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so hard. But I can't wait for the day when I can join in their happy cries of "We're expecting!" I don't want to be misunderstood. I want my friends to tell me if they are expecting. It's such happy news that I love to be a part of. I don't want people to walk on egg shells around Ryan and I. This is just a trial that we've been chosen to go through.

And go through it we will. I know that there is a loving Father in Heaven who watches out for us. There is hope.

There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you.
- President Gordon B. Hinkley