I really don't know how to write down what I'm feeling right now. I know it might sound like I'm whining, maybe I am, but I'm not handling this particular trial with any kind of grace. I don't like this trial. I really wish instead of Heavenly Father making it easier for me to bear, He would just take it away. I know it's for my own good and I will be thankful for it someday, but right now I feel like I've had enough. It's probably a good thing that I'm not the one in charge. Somedays, it is easy to bear. Somedays, I hardly even think about it. Hardly. Which means I do still but only for a few moments. Other days, I want to cry all day long. It feels like I've lost something so dear to me. Something I never had. It's deep emotional pain. I feel useless and empty.

I am doing all that our finances will allow, going to doctors, trying everything we can. I'm praying everyday. So it's not like I'm doing nothing and complaining about not getting what I most desire.

I hate that this pain comes in waves. It ebbs for a while. I feel like I can make it through anything. Then it returns with such a strong force that it catches me off guard. Then the questions come, as they always do. Why is this not happening for us, when it's something that's such a righteous desire? This is what I was put on the earth for, right? This is why I'm a woman. This is what has been commanded of us. So why is it so hard? Why do others have such an easy time at it? I know Heavenly Father has this all under control. I just get impatient and want to grab the big picture out of His hands and look at it for myself. I don't know what I would do then. Probably get even more impatient because I'll know what's coming.

I'm so happy, so very happy for friends who don't have this problem. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. It's so hard. But I can't wait for the day when I can join in their happy cries of "We're expecting!" I don't want to be misunderstood. I want my friends to tell me if they are expecting. It's such happy news that I love to be a part of. I don't want people to walk on egg shells around Ryan and I. This is just a trial that we've been chosen to go through.

And go through it we will. I know that there is a loving Father in Heaven who watches out for us. There is hope.

There are occasionally hard days for each of us. Do not despair. Do not give up. Look for the sunlight through the clouds. Opportunities will eventually open to you.
- President Gordon B. Hinkley